It’s not the chase that I love, it’s me following you…

38 weeks, 4 days

Pinchy will arrive next week. 

We had an ultrasound yesterday.  All parts still intact, baby very squished in there….and weighing in at around 10 lbs, 2oz.  as of today.  There is an error rate of about 1 lb either way, so it could just be a 9lb baby.  OR an 11 lb baby.

Sigh.

We then met with the doctor.  She came in with this grin on her face.  “So…the baby’s big. Like crazy big.  Like 99th percentile big.  At least the abdomen is…and that’s what we go by when deciding if we could do a c-section or not.”  While his other markers were measuring slightly big or right on target, his abdomen measured at 44 weeks.  My blood sugar (which hasn’t been so bad–I’ve taken my insulin and watched my diet and kept my weight gain under control, so I’m not sure what’s going on) has gotten him plumped up to the point where he may not fit through. 

So they are in the process of scheduling my c-section.  Early next week (Tuesday? Wednesday?), I will be scheduled to have my baby in the span of an hour or so. 

I’m a little overwhelmed at the moment.  I’m adjusting to the idea OK.  It’s funny, my earliest dreams of pregnancy were of a c-section.  But I wonder if I’m making the right decision.  My doctor said she would have fought me on it if I had resisted, but we could have discussed options.  That was probably one of the biggest factors–if it matters enough to her to fight me on it, it’s worth listening to her.  I trust her completely and know she would work toward whatever birth goals I have IF they wouldn’t put me of Little One in danger.  She said she was prepared for some pushback from us, talked to us about the options anyway and we made the best decision we could.  Ultimately, the ultrasound could be wrong, the baby could be smaller than predicted, I might have been able to deliver just fine, but based on the data we have right now, this is our best choice.  I can’t regret.  I can’t look back and wonder.  I just have to move forward with the best choice I can.

My other option is to try labor and see what happens.  But I don’t know that a vaginal birth that ends in an emergency c-section is any better–surgery on a fatigued body with fatigued muscles and a whole lotta hormones just sounds worse from a pain perspective, a delivery perspective and a recovery perspective.  And I worry about my reaction if I can’t do it.  Will I feel like a failure?  Will I beat myself up for giving up?  Knowing myself, both are likely.  This choice to go with a scheduled c-section, while rife with possible problems and complications, allows me to have a massage the day before, to mentally get ready, to not set myself up for disappointment.  I’m adjusting.  Shifting my paradigm.   

Worst part?  She went ahead and did an internal exam.  She got this odd look of “Oh, MAN!” on her face as she did it.  I’m apparently dialated to a 3 and I’m 70% effaced and the cervix is soft.   My body is gearing up for labor really smoothly and greatly…and it’s not going to matter one bit.  Oh well.

The other feature of the doctor visit yesterday was my Non Stress Test.  PInchy was apparently sleepy when they first hooked me up.  For 20 or 30 minutes, I felt a twitch here or there, but not much else.  The nurse came in, looked at the paper and frowned.  Then the doctor came in, looked at the paper and frowned.  Asked me when I had eaten last, said we may need to give me a snack to get baby moving. If baby didn’t move, then we’d be back for another ultrasound in the afternoon and baby would be coming out shortly. 

She left again and I summoned Ray to grab some peanut butter crackers from my purse.  I popped a couple of those and within moments I got a kick or two.  I laughed outloud and baby’s heartbeat went right up and he squirmed.  I know he does this all the time, but to see the machine that goes “PING!” print it out was pretty cool.  So I laughed again.  Again a spike in movement and in heartrate.  Nice. 

Ray suggested singing to him…so I picked “Kick-Drum Heart” by the Avett Brothers.  It’s a song I’ve always believed was his favorite.  Well, I started singing and he went CRAZY in there.  Kicking and moving and dancing…and stopping as soon as I did.  I tried other songs.  He reacted, but not with the same jump in activity and heartrate as that one. 

I’ll just say the doctor was pleased when she came in and saw the readouts at this point.