All my little words

Life has been filling up my time lately.  Not in any meaningful and tangible way, but if I string together all my episodes of puttering, work, tv, naps and belly rubbing I can see that my time has been filled.

There have been bags packed.  Boxes unpacked.  Envelopes sealed. Gifts unwrapped.  New seasons started.  Baseball avoided. (at least by me…)

But it all points to one thing: we’re nearing the end.

My body seems to know it, too.  Over the weekend, there were several episodes of what seem to be real contractions.  Radiating from my lower lumbar area into my lower belly, my back, swelling up and then dying down again.  They got as close as 30 minutes and consistent for a couple of hours.  Rest, water and deep breathing quelled them, but I know they’ll be back.  They’ve reappeared a few times today, not as close, not as consistent.  I know I could walk around like this for weeks.  Or not.  There’s no way to tell anything other than that they are what they are. The silly little Braxton Hicks crop up here and there, but these are so incredibly different and pressure filled.  Ray’s eyes widen and he looks at me with great fear and annoyance when I can’t answer his inquiries right away about how they are and if we need to do something.  Nope.  Not yet.  Soon, but not yet.

The contractions aren’t the only sign.  Sleeping has gotten harder, my hips and back and ribs hurt and ache more.  And there is crazy internal stuff happening–for example, this morning’s time travel trip back to the first trimester when breakfast was a great idea, but the reality of it sent me running to the nearest disposal vessel.  I’m edgy and distracted.  And Pinchy is HUGE and not at all in position.  He has managed to get himself head downish, but he refuses to go where he’s supposed to.  Instead he squirms and kicks and moves around to have his feet anywhere from under my ribs to under my armpit.  And my poor feet and fingers…the swelling is astounding and annoying.  I did come across another pair of shoes I can wear, so that’s a good thing.  Tomorrow is a trip to the doctor…this time the associate of my main doc. 

I’ve heard he’s really great and if I deliver at an odd time, it may very well be him who helps Pinchy arrive.  It will be good to meet him and at least see him in person.

Those are the basics.  How I’m feeling about all of this is another story.  There is still part of me (most of me) that can comprehend this as well as I can comprehend infinity or why The Hills exists. Meaning virtually not at all.  Yes…I know I’m pregnant.  Yes…I know I’m almost to term.  BUT…my entire life changes in a cosmic blink of an eye.  Maybe 3 weeks.  Maybe 24 hours. But over a lifetime, virtually no time at all.  And I have no idea what the new reality will be like.  Sure, I hear things, but I can’t possibly understand it until I’m there.  Which compounds with my already present incredulity to leave me feeling like it’s all an enormous joke played for everyone elses amusement. 

But even that….even that nagging feeling of being on the outside…I recognize it from other hormone shifts…and it then becomes just one more sign that it’s real and it’s happening and that one day very soon, sooner than I realize or am probably ready for, Pinchy will no longer be theoretical.